At some point, all of you will inevitably face a call to that ambiguous area called “Tech Support”. Most people don’t understand the common support models that make up “Tech Support”, so I figured I would save all of you the trouble and explain them.

There’s commonly three tiers of “support”, and for good reason. But first, let’s look at the 2 types of computer users in the world:

Technically minded people: Tech-savvy boys and girls that know their way around a PC. We don’t fear OS reinstalls, and in fact do them from time to time WILLINGLY. We don’t fear the device manager. We don’t fear “Beta Drivers”. We LAUGH when we’re asked to “reboot and see if the problem goes away”. We know better.

We account for roughly 2% of all computer users. If you don’t believe that statistic, I ask you to take a long, hard look at everyone you know in this world, and tell me who matches your technical intellect. See? I told you!

Non-technical people: The second type of computer person is non-technical. In contrast to the first, the average person who buys a PC in general is a non-tech-savvy person who uses a PC as a simple tool to do two things: download pornography and spread viruses with email. This is what “the masses” do.

Now, the three tiers of support are used to answer calls to the above people, but amazingly the end result is always the same.

The three tiers of support are:

Level 1/Tier 1 support: When you first call Technical Support, your call is routed to the first tier of call centers. This tier is often called “Tier 1 support”, “Level 1 support” or more recently, “Level 7-11 support” for obvious reasons. They work completely from a script. They are NOT tech savvy. They do NOT know how to genuinely fix a computer-based problem. They BARELY know english. They OFTEN make your problem worse since they simply cannot account for all the software applications and utilities (email trojans and porn) the end user has installed.

This is why Tier 1 often attempts to get you to restore your system to its “original state”, usually in the form of a recovery CD. For the engineer, it is simply the best way to:

1. Restore your system to a “known” state for reproduction of your problem
2. Entertain the support “technician” as you yell and scream about the important documents you just lost by listening to him.

The remaining 2% of technical computer users will roll their eyes through this phase, and usually “pretend” to do everything the “technician” asks just to get out of the queue faster. Regardless, there is a high rate of success with this tier of support because most people either have a well documented problem that is easily fixed, or they are so angry they merely hang up, never to call again.

However, should your problem still exist through this phase of support, and you have the wits about you to stand your ground, your call may be routed to:

Level 2/Tier 2 support: These are simply level 1 technicians who do not work from a script. Since level 2 support technicians hear a lot about people’s problems with their PC’s, they usually try to apply what they’ve learned from one problem and attempt to apply it to another completely unrelated problem. For instance, he will apply the same solution to a sound card hardware failure as he would to a Internet Explorer problem. (”Let’s clear your cache and see if sound is working again.”)

Level 2 technicians are dangerous, because the little knowledge they have is almost always wrongly applied, and they usually apply it in an effort to sound knowledgable. Level 2 technicians have an ego, and that ego is easily bruised by the 2% of computer users who actually know what the “Registry” is, and more importantly, the purpose it serves. Sometimes, in an attempt to make a “2 percenter” feel inadequate, he will instruct the user to edit some obscure file or peek in an obscure registry key to try and make himself look more knowledgable, or at the very least try to look as if he knows as much as a “2 percenter”.

Since the bulk of calls to level 2 are more egotistical in nature, the technician will stand his ground mule-like until you admit that there is no problem. For those persistent enough, they proceed to the last tier of support. However, the only way to GET to this level of technical support is via someone called “The Supervisor”. His job is to ensure that a “hot potato” like you doesn’t stay in his department’s call queue. He will invariably get rid of you by forwarding you to:

Tier 3/Level 3/Engineering: If you are part of the 98% of computer users that cannot understand what is happening with your computer, you will be lucky to find a highly compentent, yet hopelessly apathetic engineer on the other end of the phone who is VERY unhappy that YOU had the nerve to interrupt his Mountain Dew and Runts break. He simply does not want to talk to you, UNLESS you have something technically interesting to discuss. Ironically, the only people qualified to talk to him are the TWO PERCENT OF USERS who are technical, but by this time have had their brains reduced to rice pudding from their recent trip through the 7 circles of hel…errr….two previous tiers of support.

Interestingly enough, by this time the three-tiered support experience has equalized everyone to a begging, pleading apologetic foob that simply wants their computer to miraculously work again.

At this point, the engineer’s job is easy. He simply rolls several dice he uses for Dungeons and Dragons on his desk, gives the end user the resulting number, and instructs the user to write this number on a box and ship their unit, at the user’s cost of course, to their repair facility in Ambiguistan. The technicians will then attempt to cleanse your computer of evil spirits via a sacred ritual involving a cleric, several virgins and a goat. After this 14 week ritual, your computer will then be returned to you via the cheapest possible shipping method possible, a speedy yet unpredictable camel named “Stu”.

Upon receiving your newly repaired machine, the cycle begins again as you call the support desk to report:

1. Your machine is still broken,
2. It now smells vaguely of goat.

I hope this serves to explain the several levels of support present in most large organizations. It’s time you put this knowledge to good use and never buy a computer ever again.

~Jaker (Special Thanks to Karl’s Blog)

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