I had to recover this from possible ethernal devastation. It was on my other now-defunct blog, The Jaker Project. It was a collection of fine responses from “The User” back in my helpdesk days.

I don’t miss them one bit.

User: “I get an error when I start my computer, I click OK and everything works fine.  What does the error mean?”

CSS:    Can I connect to your computer?
User:    ”Sure, but let me finish this email.”

User: “It says enter username and password.. what do i put in there?”

CSS: “go to css.humana.com now”
User: “ok, type in css.humana.comnow?”

Mindy: ok, put the brandy down and pay attention

User: I got a message telling me to close down Mentor and open it within HSS. What should I do?

User: It tells me I have to have 8 characters in my password; can I put 9 in?

User: Hi this is … from Pinkney, Michigan. I’m in Wal-Mart smelling fresh bread and bar-b-que chicken!

CSS: Type css.humana.com in the address bar.
User: It says ‘page cannot be displayed’.
CSS: What’s in the address bar?
User: css.humana.com
CSS: Is there anything else?
User: No.
CSS: Do you have www before it?
User: Yes.

User: Hi, my Lotus notes blew up.
CSS: Did it damage any nearby office supplies?

CSS: Type in css,Charlie-Sam-Sam (dot) humana.com
User: cssCharlie.humana.com

User: Can you log in to my computer and make it faster?

CSS: Your user id. 3 letters and 4 numbers
User: 3 letters and phone numbers? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Shawn: Helps when you pull your head out of your ass.

User: I need a new passcode.
CSS: What is your username?
User: I don’t have a username. I was told that I need to call CSS for my new passcode and PIN.
CSS: What do you need the passcode for?
User: I don’t know.
*User hangs up phone immediately*

User: Is there something wrong with the HOWIE page? Because when I try to go there, it brings me to MSN.com….

CSS: What is your name?
User: Erin… I mean, Ruby

[After trying to connect to Array]
CSS: Up in the address bar of internet explorer, type in css.humana.com.
User: Ok, it says ‘the page cannot be displayed’
CSS: Ok, try to type in google.com so we can tell if you have a good internet connection.
User: Do I need to open internet explorer?
CSS: An internet explorer page should already be open.
User: No, hold on, hold on, you have to explain things step… by… step… These technical type things might be everyday for you, but not for me.

User: I’m trying to log in to my screen.
CSS: What are you trying to log into?
User: My… screen…
CSS: What screen are you trying to log into?
User: The Novell one.

CSS: Open up My Computer
User: I can’t open up your computer.
CSS: Click on the start button.
User: Where’s that?

CSS: Go to css.humana.com
{a minute or two goes by}
CSS: Are you at the representatives page?
User: No, do I need to click on the ‘Go’ button?

User: “I recently changed my password in psynch, i think it was about 2 days ago”
CSS: “I’m showing it was about 10 mins ago you changed it”
User: “Oh yeah i guess i did..”
CSS: “Your secret question, the name of the street where you first grew up?”
User: “Yeah, it’s Nelson, wait, I never typed this in here…”
CSS: “You just answered that for me”
User: “Oh yeah…”

User: “I’m trying to log into Lotus Notes, and I’m entering my user name, and entering my password. But it’s saying ‘no’”

CSS: Open up an Internet Explorer window, that should bring you to the Howie home page.
User: Ok, I’ve opened up Internet Explorer.
CSS: Does that bring you to the howie home page?
User: No, that brings me to the internet.

User: Hi, this is Thad, and I’m locked out of my…. login.

User: I had to go through all kinds of rigamaroles and get through my firewalls to get the projector to display what’s on the computer.

CSS: CSS, this is Jacob
User: What, chicken?

CSS: Are you logging into the humana side, or the EHI side?
User: I’m in my house.

CSS: “P” as in Paul?
User: No, “P” as in Peter.

CSS:  ”Would you like the ticket number?”
User:  ”Hmmm.  Let me see.  124.”
CSS:  ”Excuse me?”
User:  ”Did you say pick a number?”
CSS:  ”No, I was offering you the helpdesk ticket number.”
User:  ”Oh!  I thought you wanted me to pick a number like you were having a drawing or something…”

User: I tried central-alt-delete-ing

User: c-s-s.h-u-m-a-n-a.c-o-m, oh that didn’t work… oh I have a Q in there

User: I’m getting an error.
CSS: What are you doing when you get the error?
User: I’m in Lotus Notes.
CSS: When are you getting the error?
User: I’m getting it right now.

User: Hi, I got an email that I didn’t recieve….

User: I put my exact userID and password in the two rectangles and it doesn’t take my password. Is this a nationwide thing?

User: When I booted up my laptop, it came up with some kind of nonsense that I couldn’t understand. So I closed it and left it awhile and now I can’t use anything.

CSS: It’s been almost 3 months since your last password change, you’ll have to change your password.
User: Can I use the same one?